Hello and thank you for your interest in astrology, the ancient and mystical art of cosmic divination. You have reached our automated voice messaging system. Please note our menu options have changed, and we no longer answer questions regarding crystals since it turns out that’s a slightly different thing from our thing. If you know your party’s extension, or cusp of their seventh house, you may dial it at any time. If you are calling about a potential new relationship, please press one to be connected to Ellen, your friend from work who can do an in depth birth chart analysis and remind you that Sun signs are only a partial indicator of overall compatibility. If you are calling with an issue related to Mercury in retrograde, that department is unreachable, fuck you. If you are calling about a Saturn Return, have your order number ready and stay on the line and a representative will be with you shortly. Please note wait times are approximately 29-32 years.
(Muzak version of The Sign by Ace of Base)
Thank you for continuing to hold. Your call is very important to the Universe. For a faster response you can always visit our official website, www.angelfire/horoscopecafe/Buffy-FanFiction-page1.html. We are also surprisingly accurate in Teen Vogue. Please press the pound key at any time to return to the main menu if, much like Ophiuchus, the disconcerting 13th sign, you have arrived here in error.
(Muzak version of Walkin’ On The Sun by Smashmouth)
Thank you for continuing to hold. Unless you’re a Pisces, your feedback is valuable to us and you may be asked to participate in a brief survey after your call. By agreeing you will automatically be entered to win a $25 Amazon gift card or the opportunity to be told the exact date and time you are going to die. Questions will mostly concern the constellation Capricorn, the so-called Goat Fish, and what you think that animal might be. We can’t figure it out. Please be advised for training purposes all calls will be recorded and, if it’s Leo season, set to choreography.
(Muzak version of Drops of Jupitar by Train)
Thank you for continuing to hold. Note that we are currently experiencing longer delays than usual due to the lunar eclipse because we all went outside. Did you know there won’t be another eclipse until 2021? Pretty crazy. If you would prefer to leave a voice message, please press the star key and wait for the tone, or for Saturn to move into a more auspicious position, whichever comes first.
(Muzak version of Lucky Star by Madonna)
Thank you for continuing to hold. Our offices are now closed, since it turns out the eclipse is actually bringing up a lot of deep-seated emotional stuff for us right now and it’s really important that we retreat and create space for introspection and healing. We apologize for any inconvenience, feel free to call back during our regular business hours and trust your intuition on when those are. If your issue is urgent and cannot wait please hang up and then maybe just chill out and remember all of this is probably pseudoscience at best. Goodbye.