If The Zodiac Had A Customer Service Number

Hello and thank you for your interest in astrology, the ancient and mystical art of cosmic divination. You have reached our automated voice messaging system. Please note our menu options have changed, and we no longer answer questions regarding crystals since it turns out that’s a slightly different thing from our thing. If you know your party’s extension, or cusp of their seventh house, you may dial it at any time. If you are calling about a potential new relationship, please press one to be connected to Ellen, your friend from work who can do an in depth birth chart analysis and remind you that Sun signs are only a partial indicator of overall compatibility. If you are calling with an issue related to Mercury in retrograde, that department is unreachable, fuck you. If you are calling about a Saturn Return, have your order number ready and stay on the line and a representative will be with you shortly. Please note wait times are approximately 29-32 years.

(Muzak version of The Sign by Ace of Base)

Thank you for continuing to hold. Your call is very important to the Universe. For a faster response you can always visit our official website, www.angelfire/horoscopecafe/Buffy-FanFiction-page1.html. We are also surprisingly accurate in Teen Vogue. Please press the pound key at any time to return to the main menu if, much like Ophiuchus, the disconcerting 13th sign, you have arrived here in error.

(Muzak version of Walkin’ On The Sun by Smashmouth) 

Thank you for continuing to hold. Unless you’re a Pisces, your feedback is valuable to us and you may be asked to participate in a brief survey after your call. By agreeing you will automatically be entered to win a $25 Amazon gift card or the opportunity to be told the exact date and time you are going to die. Questions will mostly concern the constellation Capricorn, the so-called Goat Fish, and what you think that animal might be. We can’t figure it out. Please be advised for training purposes all calls will be recorded and, if it’s Leo season, set to choreography.  

(Muzak version of Drops of Jupitar by Train)

Thank you for continuing to hold. Note that we are currently experiencing longer delays than usual due to the lunar eclipse because we all went outside. Did you know there won’t be another eclipse until 2021? Pretty crazy. If you would prefer to leave a voice message, please press the star key and wait for the tone, or for Saturn to move into a more auspicious position, whichever comes first.

(Muzak version of Lucky Star by Madonna) 
Thank you for continuing to hold. Our offices are now closed, since it turns out the eclipse is actually bringing up a lot of deep-seated emotional stuff for us right now and it’s really important that we retreat and create space for introspection and healing. We apologize for any inconvenience, feel free to call back during our regular business hours and trust your intuition on when those are. If your issue is urgent and cannot wait please hang up and then maybe just chill out and remember all of this is probably pseudoscience at best. Goodbye.


Forget Fyre Festival, 2019 Is All About Lyre Festival

As the marketing team behind the infamous Fyre Festival, we learned some valuable lessons last year; namely, that we can hype literally anything. Which is why we couldn’t be more excited to announce our newest, sure-to-be global phenomenon: The 2019 Lyre Festival! #harpgoals

Are you a fourth century Hellenistic civilization Influencer? Do you follow all the trending lyrical poets of Greek antiquity? Is the four-to-ten string, finger pluck instrument known as the lyre giving you life? Then Lyre Festival is calling your name! Don’t miss out on the most talked about event since the young God Hermes fashioned the first lyre from the entrails of Apollo’s sacred cows!

What can you expect from the VIP experience at Lyre Festival? The fans asked and we delivered! Dance the night away to the sensual sounds of lyre accompanying the recitation of “Ode To Aphrodite” by Sappho (epic!) Surround yourself with gorgeous models depicted in mosaic on just like, tons of different vases. Gain elite access to top secret product launches, like this seaon’s walnut-bodied bowed lyres exclusively from the region of Crete. Um, FOMO much?

When we think of the lyre, the hottest of the ancient harps, four words come to mind: synergetic brand engagement opportunities. If you’re a brand ambassador looking to flood your feed with viral lyre content, Lyre Festival wants to team up with you! Exciting partnership possibilities include Apple Watch (lyre: the world’s first wearble tech), Svedka Vodka feat. the Shield of Archilocus Sour Apple, and papyrus scrolls by Glossier©.

People are already calling LyreFest the zither event of a lifetime! Wristbands are selling faster than the Spartans conquered Athens in the Peloponnesian War! If you only attend one festival celebrating the handheld lute commonly fashioned from tortoise-shell and known throughout the ancient world as the lyre, make it the 2019 Lyre Festival. “The lyre puts the party in Parthenon!” – Plato

Note: Lyre Festival is not liable for any misrepresentation of the modern-day popularity of the lyre.  

Translation Of A Seemingly Pleasant Conversation Between My Two Aunts At Christmas

“Merry Christmas Denise!” Your arrival at my home is a most unwelcome surprise, enemy.

“Merry Christmas Diane!” Oh, how I long to be gone of this most wretched and unholy place.

“I hope it wasn’t snowing too hard out there!” I had hoped the snow might consume you.  

“Oh that’s all right, it’s nice and cozy in here!” This living room is a Hell.  

“I just love having the whole family under one roof.” E’er since you cast your shadow o’er my hearthstone I have thrice cross’d myself and pull’d my hair and scream’d AWAY BEAST – alas, you remain on my barcalounger.

“Yes, it’s just so good to all be together.” Your wickedness has poisoned our bloodline. I weep for your children, born they of a gargoyle.

“That scarf is exquisite. You always know the perfect thing to wear, Denise. So stylish!” What dark incantations must the Devil utter ‘fore thou may slither from thine rotting cave each day, sister?

“You’re too sweet! And the tree looks beautiful Diane. So festive!” Thou art a husk. In you ‘tis hollow where one should find a soul, sister. Thine tree is a weed, as are thee.

“May I offer you some candied almonds?” Betrayer! Your one thousand treacheries must not go unpunished!

“Delish! You’ll have to send me this recipe!” Truly you are a plague!

“Will do!” Die. Die. Die.  

“You know Diane, this time of year I feel most thankful for family.” Hark, witch; I have just remembered gossip concerning Lisa.

“You’re right Denise. I know we’ve had our little squabbles in the past, but I’m so grateful we can come together like this for the holidays.” Oh my God I can’t wait, meet me in the kitchen and tell me everything you know.

“This is what Christmas is all about.” This is what Christmas is all about.

“I couldn’t agree more.” I couldn’t agree more.


Hey kids! (A term which can also mean adults of various ages, for are we not all children in the eyes of God? And that one Trader Joe’s cashier who still cards you every time?)

Time to head back to school! (“School” is how you refer to the Jane Goodall MasterClass™ you impulse-purchased off a particularly stirring Facebook ad after drinking a lot of Trader Joe’s wine one night by yourself. You have not actually activated the 29-video class as of yet, but definitely plan to soon.)

The summer reading assignment was A Wrinkle In Time! (Interestingly, you also spent the summer deeply invested in a wrinkle, the new one in the middle of your forehead, and now possess a near-expert level understanding of facial serums such as hyaluronic-acid rich Cosrx snail-mucin essence, the current snail slime you can’t live without.)

School supplies lists were sent home to parents! (Your parents just called concerned that around three in the morning you sent the entire family a link to a public Amazon wish-list filled with expensive Korean skincare products and a single Jane Goodall autobiography, My Life With The Chimpanzees, and would you please call them back to make sure you’re not having some sort of nervous breakdown over getting fired?)  

Picture Day is coming up! (Speaking of getting fired, how were you supposed to know your old job expected you to leave behind your photo ID badge? Sure, the bar code can technically still get you in the building, but you resent the implication that you’re some sort of “security risk” now.)

Get to know your new teacher at the Back To School Fair! (Unfair is how you’d describe the treatment you’ve received during this entire situation, actually. You were practically forced to use the ID badge to break into the office in order to return said ID badge, and seeing as you are no longer an employee at the company it’s entirely reasonable that you weren’t aware of the times of night when the office might happen to be closed. You seriously wonder if Jane Goodall ever had to deal with this sort of workplace harassment in the jungles of Tanzania.)

Make new friends but keep the old, one is silver and the other gold! (You weren’t “attempting to conceal your identity from security cameras” you were simply wearing a snail secretion collagen sheet mask that is specially formulated for nighttime application.)

Each new year is a new opportunity to learn, try your best, and have fun! (This restraining order is actually a good reminder that it’s time to leave the past in the past and start looking for a new job, one that is better suited to your unique skill-set. Every individual has a role to play, as Jane would say. As a matter of fact lately you’ve even been considering going back to school.)

“New York Is Different Now” A Summary Of Every Alt-Rock Memoir

There was only one good time period to live in New York and it was when I was 22 years old and inventing the idea of not caring about society. In 1978 I had a studio apartment above a strip club that was also a gallery and I played bass in a No Wave band called This Is A Gallery and my rent was four dollars a month and the landlord was Patti Smith. The studio apartment was also a gallery. From the years 1980-1983 I only owned one shirt which I gave to Thurston Moore after he beat me in a fist fight over who was feeling more exhausted by the world that day. I started a Post-Noise band called Thurston’s Shirt Is Actually My Shirt and we opened for Nico but I quit the band because I was too cold. Now the whole scene has completely deteriorated and that building is probably something totally inauthentic, like the fire department. 

New York used to be a place where everyone was serious about their art and about going to the same parties as Lester Bangs. What happened? Everywhere I look I see a building that used to be a gallery but is now the Stock Market. The other day I went by the dungeon in Bed-Stuy where I once caught an amazing strain of oral herpes from a conceptual artist named Trash, but these days it’s just a place where people take improv classes. It was then I realized, I don’t even recognize New York anymore. You used to be able to buy pure Columbian cocaine from a baby who dealt out of his stroller on Twenty-Third and Tenth in Chelsea. He’s now an executive at Tidal and we haven’t spoken in decades.

New York isn’t alive like it used to be, because it’s become completely corporate and also because a lot of the people I knew are dead and there are new people here. Case in point: I once watched Sid Vicious push a safety pin through a cockroach at the methadone clinic on Spring Street but nowadays no one famous goes to that methadone clinic. You don’t know what it was like. One time I got so hungry I ate a cigarette, and when I threw it up later Jean-Michel Basquiat smoked it. Back then New York kids were broke because we were making art and stopped talking to our parents. These days New York kids are broke because they take improv classes and stopped talking to their parents. It’s just crazy how New York is different now.

L.A. hasn’t changed at all.

Unpublished First Draft of The New York Daily News Thinkpiece “Why Exactly Is Anne Hathaway So Unlikeable?”


One cannot be certain of much in this cruel and senseless world save for the fact that Anne Hathaway remains the most ugh actress in Hollywood. Was there ever a time when we weren’t utterly consumed by thoughts of “Anne-oying” Hathaway and her radiant skin that is probably as smooth and cool to the touch as a saltwater pearl or something? In fact, it’s not unusual for us to dream about gently petting Anne Hathaway’s perfect pixie cut nearly every single night – that’s how much she drives us up the wall! On any given day we might obsess about Anne Hathaway while at the gym, during our commute, or even suddenly, out of nowhere and totally inappropriately in the middle of a conversation about our niece who went missing over the weekend. Enough already Anne Hathaway!

Get this – in every one of the 12,894 of images of Anne Hathaway we have downloaded and saved to a private folder on our home computer Anne Hathaway is flashing that enormous smile, as if triple-threat Anne Hathaway is living her best life and never had to help select a their niece’s clearest class photograph to send to local television stations. Talk about stuck up! What Anne Hathaway doesn’t seem to realize is that while she’s busy having the velvet brown eyes of a newborn fawn, other people have been part of a local search party combing a meadow for signs of their missing niece. No one likes it when you do the “raise the roof” pose with your Oscar when their niece has disappeared, Anne Hathaway.

One thing’s for certain – we’ve had enough of Anne Hathaway’s theater kid personality, and not nearly enough information about the last known whereabouts of our niece, Tabitha, who probably won’t ever be cast in a school play now. Pop culture experts agree: it just doesn’t make sense that while an entire community reels from the unthinkable tragedy of Tabitha’s vanishing, we can sometimes spend an entire candlelight vigil fixated on what it might feel like to make Anne Hathaway laugh. We imagine when Anne Hathaway laughs, and we mean truly, deeply laughs, perhaps because something we said was recognized to contain the sort of surprise wit and wry observational humor that is exactly Anne Hathaway’s taste, well, in such a perfect moment we know Anne Hathaway loves and trusts us completely and all of the sudden there wasn’t a coat that looks just like our niece’s coat found in the woods this afternoon. All of which leads us to wonder – is Anne Hathaway simply the most unlikeable woman in show business?

She should really try to be more like Emma Stone.